I'm not fat just horizontally disproportionate.
I'm not loafing. I work so fast I'm always finished.
I'm not opinionated I'm just always right!
I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?
I'm not real smart but I can lift heavy things.
I'm not tense just terribly alert.
I'm on the crest of a slump.
I'm out of sick days so I'm calling in dead!
I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
I'm spending a year dead for tax purposes.
I'm too smart to let my intelligence go to my head.
I've got Parkinson's disease. And he's got mine.
I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?
I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.
I've had fun before. This isn't it.
IBM: It may be slow but at least it's expensive.
IBM: you can buy better but you can't pay more.
Ideas are not responsible for their followers!
If I save time when do I get it back?
If I want your stupid opinion I'll beat it out of you.
If I were here more often I wouldn't be gone so much.
If I were two faced would I wear this one?
If I were you who'd be me?
If Murphy's Law can go wrong it will.
If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?
If all you have is a hammer everything looks like a nail.
If at first we don't succeed we run the risk of failure.
If at first you don't succeed skydiving isn't for you.
If evolution is outlawed only outlaws will evolve.
If idiots could fly this would be an airport.
If in doubt make it sound convincing.
If it glows don't touch it!
If it has feelings its not cooked enough!
If it jams force it. If it breaks it needed replacing.
If it works tear it apart and find out why!
If it's not broke let me take a crack at it.
If it's stupid and works then it ain't stupid.
If life gives you lemons make lemonade.
If marriage is outlawed only outlaws will have inlaws.
If money could talk it would say goodbye.
If rabbits feet are so lucky what happened to the rabbit?
If truth is stranger than fiction you must be truth!
If voting changed anything they'd make it illegal.
If winning isn't important then why keep score?
If you believe in telekinesis raise my hand.
If you cannot convince them confuse them.'
If you don't care where you are then you ain't lost.
If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself!
If you have nothing to do don't do it here.
If you hear an onion ring please answer it.
If your attack is going well then it's an ambush.
Ignorance is temporary stupid is forever.
Illiterate? Write for free help.
Imagery is All In The Mind.
Insanity is just a state of mind.
I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
I am built for comfort not speed!
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I am in total control but don't tell my wife.
I am the girl-next-door's imaginary boyfriend.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
I can quit anytime I want I just don't want to!
I can walk on water but I stagger on alcohol.
I can't be overdrawn I still have checks left!
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!!!
I could be arguing in my spare time.
I didn't cheat I just changed the Rules!
I didn't know it was impossible when I did it.
I distinctly remember forgetting that.
I don't care who you are Fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof!
I don't eat snails... I prefer FAST food!
I don't lie cheat or steal unnecessarily.
I don't want the world I just want your half.
I drink to make other people interesting.
I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages.
I float like an anchor and sting like a moth.
I get mail........ I exist.
I had amnesia once or twice. '
I hate to repeat gossip so I'll only say this once.
I haven't lost my mind I know exactly where I left it.
I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
I just bought a cured ham. Wonder what it had?
I know Karate Kung Fu and 47 other dangerous words.
I know everything about everything except that.
Don't confuse me with facts my mind's already made up!
Don't do what I SAY do what I mean!
Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
Don't just Stand there !!! do something !!!
I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of old ones.
We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey we're having a swan. You get more stuffing.
An economist is a surgeon with an excellent scalpel and a rough-edged lancet who operates beautifully on the dead and tortures the living.
You don't have to suffer to be a poet adolescence is enough suffering for anyone.
I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don't like?
Cookbooks bear the same relation to real books that microwave food bears to your grandmother's.
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.
Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.
History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.
Canada has never been a melting pot more like a tossed salad.
Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious.
You can't find any true closeness in Hollywood. because everybody does the fake closeness so well.
The meek shall inherit the earth but not the mineral rights.
Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
This paperback is very interesting but I find it will never replace a hardcover book -- it makes a very poor doorstop.
When people are free to do as they please they usually imitate each other.
A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
A good listener is usually thinking about something else.
Nothing is as irritating as the fellow who chats pleasantly while he's overcharging you.
The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you.
One of the simple but genuine pleasures in life is getting up in the morning and hurrying to a mousetrap you set the night before.
Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you mad.
Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted.
Events in the past may be roughly divided into those which probably never happened and those which do not matter.
We English are good at forgiving our enemies it releases us from the obligation of liking our friends.
The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people they think it's their fault.
THE FRAGRANCE ALWAYS STAYS IN THE HAND THAT GIVES THE ROSE....
A MAN MUST HAVE HIS DREAMS..MEMORY'S DREAMS OF THE PAST AND EAGER DREAMS OF THE FUTURE. I NEVER WANT TO STOP REACHING FOR NEW GOALS.
ANYTHING WILL GIVE UP IT'S SECRETS IF YOU LOVE IT ENOUGH..
IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE LAST MINUTE...A LOT OF THINGS WOULDN'T GET DONE...
VIOLENCE SUITS THOSE WHO HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE.....
BLESSED IS THE MAN WHO..HAVING NOTHING TO SAY..ABSTAINS FROM GIVING IN WORDS EVIDENCE OF THE FACT............
FAME USUALLY COMES TO THOSE WHO ARE THINKING OF SOMETHING ELSE.
ONE IS NEVER AS FORTUNATE OR AS UNFORTUNATE AS ONE IMAGINES.....
THE MOST WASTED DAY OF ALL IS THAT IN WHICH WE HAVE NOT LAUGHED...
THE ART OF TAXATION CONSISTS IN SO PLUCKING THE GOOSE AS TO OBTAIN THE LARGEST AMOUNT OF FEATHERS WITH THE LEAST POSSIBLE AMOUNT OF HISSING...
MANY PEOPLE LOSE THEIR TEMPERS MERELY FROM SEEING YOU KEEP YOURS....
THE PERSON WHO SAYS HE HAS NOTHING TO DO IS USUALLY SUPERB AT THE JOB...
IT TAKES A LOT OF THOUGHT AND EFFORT AND DOWNRIGHT DETERMINATION TO BE AGREEABLE......
LIFE IS FOR ONE GENERATION... A GOOD NAME IS FOREVER..
BLESSED IS THE MAN WHO PRACTICES RELIGION..... AND DOES NOT DIVULGE HIS BELIEFS..................BA
WE CAN ALL LEARN SOMETHING FROM THE PARROT.. WHICH IS CONTENT TO REPEAT WHAT IT HEARS WITHOUT TRYING TO MAKE A GOOD STORY OUT OF IT............
SOMEONE WHO THINKS THE WORLD IS CHEATING HIM IS RIGHT... HE IS MISSING THAT WONDERFUL FEELING OF TRUST IN SOMEONE OR SOMETHING..............
CHILDREN'S TALENT TO ENDURE COMES FROM THEIR IGNORANCE OF ALTERNATIVES..
SOMETIMES A MAJORITY SIMPLY MEANS THAT ALL THE FOOLS ARE ON THE SAME SIDE.
THE DIFFICULT PART IN AN ARGUMENT IS NOT TO DEFEND ONE'S OPINION..... ...BUT RATHER TO KNOW IT.
PARENTS NEVER FULLY APPRECIATE TEACHERS UNLESS IT RAINS ALL WEEKEND.
MIRACLES SOMETIMES OCCUR.. BUT ONE HAS TO WORK TERRIBLY HARD FOR THEM.
KISSING IS A MEANS OF GETTING TWO PEOPLE SO CLOSE TOGETHER THAT... THEY CANNOT SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH EACH OTHER.....
Everyone who ever walked barefoot into his child's room late at night hates Legos.
An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible.
Both the cockroach and the bird could get along very well without us although the cockroach would miss us most.
Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.
Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods especially if they are worthless.
People will buy anything that is 'one to a customer.'
Not even computers will replace committees because committees buy computers.
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in memory as the wish to forget it.
The trouble with a kitten is that it eventually becomes a cat.
Never raise your hand to your children it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.
Politics is the skilled use of blunt objects.
Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent.
Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.
It is after you have lost your teeth that you can afford to buy steaks.
When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper I ask if they have any aged pepper.
Acting is like roller skating. Once you know how to do it it is neither stimulating nor exciting.
In order to fully realize how bad a popular play can be it is necessary to see it twice.
The English are not very spiritual people so they invented cricket to give them some idea of eternity.
Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.
I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.
Honesty is the best policy -- when there is money in it.
Under certain circumstances profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
If you can find something everyone agrees on it's wrong.
A healthy adult male bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience.
If the world should blow itself up the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can't be done.
Muscles come and go flab lasts.
An ugly baby is a very nasty object and the prettiest is frightful when undressed.
Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books and there is some evidence that they can't read them either.
Having the critics praise you is like having the hangman say you've got a pretty neck.
The basis of action is lack of imagination. It is the last resource of those who know not how to dream.
I love acting. It is so much more real than life.
No woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating.
Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion enmity worship love but no friendship.
Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes.
I did a picture in England one winter and it was so cold I almost got married.
All the things I really like to do are either illegal immoral or fattening.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an
We don't see things as they are we see them as we are.
All men should freely use those seven words which have the power to make any
marriage run smoothly: You know dear you may be right.
Always borrow money from a pessimist they don't expect to be paid back.
Always try to do things in chronological order it's less confusing that way.
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the
Artificial Intelligence is the study of how to make real computers act like the
ones in movies.
As a general rule the freedom of any people can be judged by the volume of their laughter.
Be kind to unkind people - they need it the most.
A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you wish you weren't.
Democracy is mob rule but with income taxes.
Don't have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
Drawing on my fine command of language I said nothing.
He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity. The rest is overhead for the operating system.
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.
Just when you think you've finally hit bottom someone tosses you a shovel.
Keep your head and your heart going in the right direction and you will not have to worry about your feet.
Life would be so much easier if everyone read the manual.
The light at the end of the tunnel is usually a No Exit sign.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open.
Don't let school interfere with your education.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice!
Don't play stupid with me! I'm better at it.
Don't rush me. I get paid by the hour.
Don't speak now and forever hold your peace.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
Don't thank me for insulting you. It was my pleasure...
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Drawing on my fine command of language I said nothing.
Drilling for oil is boring.
Drink wet cement and get completely stoned.
Drive A: format failure formatting C: instead...
Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system.
Dumb luck beats sound planning every time. Trust me.
EXPANSION SLOTS: The extra holes in your belt buckle.
Eagles may soar but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines!
Eat Healthy Exercise and Die Anyway!
Eat the rich the poor are tough and stringy.
Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
Enjoy me I may never pass this way again.
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
Every man's work is a portrait of himself.
Every purchase has its price.
Everybody is ignorant only on different subjects.
Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die.
Everyone has photographic memory...some don't have film!
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Everything in our favor was against us.
Everything that is not mandatory is forbidden.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
I like kids but I don't think I could eat a whole one.
I like to leave messages before the beep.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I like your approach now let's see your departure.
I lost a button hole today.
I may be getting older but I refuse to grow up.
I may not be perfect but parts of me are excellent.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I never deny I never contradict. I sometimes forget.
I owe I owe it's off to work I go.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up.
I refuse a battle of wits with an unarmed person!
I saw I came I cleaned it up.
I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.
I think I strained a muscle I didn't know I had!
I think therefore I am. I think.
I think. Therefore I am DANGEROUS.
I thought I was wrong but I was mistaken.
I tried being reasonable once. I didn't like it.