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I'm not fat just horizontally disproportionate.

I'm not loafing. I work so fast I'm always finished.

I'm not opinionated I'm just always right!

I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?

I'm not real smart but I can lift heavy things.

I'm not tense just terribly alert.

I'm on the crest of a slump.

I'm out of sick days so I'm calling in dead!

I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.

I'm spending a year dead for tax purposes.

I'm too smart to let my intelligence go to my head.

I've got Parkinson's disease. And he's got mine.

I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?

I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.

I've had fun before. This isn't it.

IBM: It may be slow but at least it's expensive.

IBM: you can buy better but you can't pay more.

Ideas are not responsible for their followers!

If I save time when do I get it back?

If I want your stupid opinion I'll beat it out of you.

If I were here more often I wouldn't be gone so much.

If I were two faced would I wear this one?

If I were you who'd be me?

If Murphy's Law can go wrong it will.

If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?

If all you have is a hammer everything looks like a nail.

If at first we don't succeed we run the risk of failure.

If at first you don't succeed skydiving isn't for you.

If evolution is outlawed only outlaws will evolve.

If idiots could fly this would be an airport.

If in doubt make it sound convincing.

If it glows don't touch it!

If it has feelings its not cooked enough!

If it jams force it. If it breaks it needed replacing.

If it works tear it apart and find out why!

If it's not broke let me take a crack at it.

If it's stupid and works then it ain't stupid.

If life gives you lemons make lemonade.

If marriage is outlawed only outlaws will have inlaws.

If money could talk it would say goodbye.

If rabbits feet are so lucky what happened to the rabbit?

If truth is stranger than fiction you must be truth!

If voting changed anything they'd make it illegal.

If winning isn't important then why keep score?

If you believe in telekinesis raise my hand.

If you cannot convince them confuse them.'

If you don't care where you are then you ain't lost.

If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself!

If you have nothing to do don't do it here.

If you hear an onion ring please answer it.

If your attack is going well then it's an ambush.

Ignorance is temporary stupid is forever.

Illiterate? Write for free help.

Imagery is All In The Mind.

Insanity is just a state of mind.

I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

I am built for comfort not speed!

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I am in total control but don't tell my wife.

I am the girl-next-door's imaginary boyfriend.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

I can quit anytime I want I just don't want to!

I can walk on water but I stagger on alcohol.

I can't be overdrawn I still have checks left!

I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!!!

I could be arguing in my spare time.

I didn't cheat I just changed the Rules!

I didn't know it was impossible when I did it.

I distinctly remember forgetting that.

I don't care who you are Fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof!

I don't eat snails... I prefer FAST food!

I don't lie cheat or steal unnecessarily.

I don't want the world I just want your half.

I drink to make other people interesting.

I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages.

I float like an anchor and sting like a moth.

I get mail........ I exist.

I had amnesia once or twice. '

I hate to repeat gossip so I'll only say this once.

I haven't lost my mind I know exactly where I left it.

I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.

I just bought a cured ham. Wonder what it had?

I know Karate Kung Fu and 47 other dangerous words.

I know everything about everything except that.

Don't confuse me with facts my mind's already made up!

Don't do what I SAY do what I mean!

Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.

Don't just Stand there !!! do something !!!

I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of old ones.

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey we're having a swan. You get more stuffing.

An economist is a surgeon with an excellent scalpel and a rough-edged lancet who operates beautifully on the dead and tortures the living.

You don't have to suffer to be a poet adolescence is enough suffering for anyone.

I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don't like?

Cookbooks bear the same relation to real books that microwave food bears to your grandmother's.

I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.

The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.

Canada has never been a melting pot more like a tossed salad.

Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious.

You can't find any true closeness in Hollywood. because everybody does the fake closeness so well.

The meek shall inherit the earth but not the mineral rights.

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.

This paperback is very interesting but I find it will never replace a hardcover book -- it makes a very poor doorstop.

When people are free to do as they please they usually imitate each other.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.

A good listener is usually thinking about something else.

Nothing is as irritating as the fellow who chats pleasantly while he's overcharging you.

The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you.

One of the simple but genuine pleasures in life is getting up in the morning and hurrying to a mousetrap you set the night before.

Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you mad. Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted.

Events in the past may be roughly divided into those which probably never happened and those which do not matter.

We English are good at forgiving our enemies it releases us from the obligation of liking our friends.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people they think it's their fault.

THE FRAGRANCE ALWAYS STAYS IN THE HAND THAT GIVES THE ROSE....

A MAN MUST HAVE HIS DREAMS..MEMORY'S DREAMS OF THE PAST AND EAGER DREAMS OF THE FUTURE. I NEVER WANT TO STOP REACHING FOR NEW GOALS.

ANYTHING WILL GIVE UP IT'S SECRETS IF YOU LOVE IT ENOUGH..

IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE LAST MINUTE...A LOT OF THINGS WOULDN'T GET DONE...

VIOLENCE SUITS THOSE WHO HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE.....

BLESSED IS THE MAN WHO..HAVING NOTHING TO SAY..ABSTAINS FROM GIVING IN WORDS EVIDENCE OF THE FACT............ FAME USUALLY COMES TO THOSE WHO ARE THINKING OF SOMETHING ELSE.

ONE IS NEVER AS FORTUNATE OR AS UNFORTUNATE AS ONE IMAGINES.....

THE MOST WASTED DAY OF ALL IS THAT IN WHICH WE HAVE NOT LAUGHED...

THE ART OF TAXATION CONSISTS IN SO PLUCKING THE GOOSE AS TO OBTAIN THE LARGEST AMOUNT OF FEATHERS WITH THE LEAST POSSIBLE AMOUNT OF HISSING...

MANY PEOPLE LOSE THEIR TEMPERS MERELY FROM SEEING YOU KEEP YOURS....

THE PERSON WHO SAYS HE HAS NOTHING TO DO IS USUALLY SUPERB AT THE JOB...

IT TAKES A LOT OF THOUGHT AND EFFORT AND DOWNRIGHT DETERMINATION TO BE AGREEABLE......

LIFE IS FOR ONE GENERATION... A GOOD NAME IS FOREVER..

BLESSED IS THE MAN WHO PRACTICES RELIGION..... AND DOES NOT DIVULGE HIS BELIEFS..................BA

WE CAN ALL LEARN SOMETHING FROM THE PARROT.. WHICH IS CONTENT TO REPEAT WHAT IT HEARS WITHOUT TRYING TO MAKE A GOOD STORY OUT OF IT............

SOMEONE WHO THINKS THE WORLD IS CHEATING HIM IS RIGHT... HE IS MISSING THAT WONDERFUL FEELING OF TRUST IN SOMEONE OR SOMETHING..............

CHILDREN'S TALENT TO ENDURE COMES FROM THEIR IGNORANCE OF ALTERNATIVES..

SOMETIMES A MAJORITY SIMPLY MEANS THAT ALL THE FOOLS ARE ON THE SAME SIDE.

THE DIFFICULT PART IN AN ARGUMENT IS NOT TO DEFEND ONE'S OPINION..... ...BUT RATHER TO KNOW IT.

PARENTS NEVER FULLY APPRECIATE TEACHERS UNLESS IT RAINS ALL WEEKEND.

MIRACLES SOMETIMES OCCUR.. BUT ONE HAS TO WORK TERRIBLY HARD FOR THEM.

KISSING IS A MEANS OF GETTING TWO PEOPLE SO CLOSE TOGETHER THAT... THEY CANNOT SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH EACH OTHER.....

Everyone who ever walked barefoot into his child's room late at night hates Legos.

An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible.

Both the cockroach and the bird could get along very well without us although the cockroach would miss us most.

Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.

Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods especially if they are worthless.

People will buy anything that is 'one to a customer.'

Not even computers will replace committees because committees buy computers.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in memory as the wish to forget it.

The trouble with a kitten is that it eventually becomes a cat.

Never raise your hand to your children it leaves your midsection unprotected.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

Politics is the skilled use of blunt objects.

Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent.

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.

It is after you have lost your teeth that you can afford to buy steaks.

When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper I ask if they have any aged pepper.

Acting is like roller skating. Once you know how to do it it is neither stimulating nor exciting.

In order to fully realize how bad a popular play can be it is necessary to see it twice.

The English are not very spiritual people so they invented cricket to give them some idea of eternity.

Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.

I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.

Honesty is the best policy -- when there is money in it.

Under certain circumstances profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.

If you can find something everyone agrees on it's wrong.

A healthy adult male bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience.

If the world should blow itself up the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can't be done.

Muscles come and go flab lasts.

An ugly baby is a very nasty object and the prettiest is frightful when undressed.

Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books and there is some evidence that they can't read them either.

Having the critics praise you is like having the hangman say you've got a pretty neck.

The basis of action is lack of imagination. It is the last resource of those who know not how to dream.

I love acting. It is so much more real than life.

No woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating.

Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion enmity worship love but no friendship.

Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes.

I did a picture in England one winter and it was so cold I almost got married.

All the things I really like to do are either illegal immoral or fattening.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

We don't see things as they are we see them as we are.

All men should freely use those seven words which have the power to make any marriage run smoothly: You know dear you may be right.

Always borrow money from a pessimist they don't expect to be paid back.

Always try to do things in chronological order it's less confusing that way.

An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Artificial Intelligence is the study of how to make real computers act like the ones in movies.

As a general rule the freedom of any people can be judged by the volume of their laughter.

Be kind to unkind people - they need it the most.

A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours.

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you wish you weren't.

Democracy is mob rule but with income taxes.

Don't have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

Drawing on my fine command of language I said nothing.

He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.

The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity. The rest is overhead for the operating system.

It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.

Just when you think you've finally hit bottom someone tosses you a shovel.

Keep your head and your heart going in the right direction and you will not have to worry about your feet.

Life would be so much easier if everyone read the manual.

The light at the end of the tunnel is usually a No Exit sign.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open.

Don't let school interfere with your education.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice!

Don't play stupid with me! I'm better at it.

Don't rush me. I get paid by the hour.

Don't speak now and forever hold your peace.

Don't steal. The government hates competition.

Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.

Don't thank me for insulting you. It was my pleasure...

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Drawing on my fine command of language I said nothing.

Drilling for oil is boring.

Drink wet cement and get completely stoned.

Drive A: format failure formatting C: instead...

Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system.

Dumb luck beats sound planning every time. Trust me.

EXPANSION SLOTS: The extra holes in your belt buckle.

Eagles may soar but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines!

Eat Healthy Exercise and Die Anyway!

Eat the rich the poor are tough and stringy.

Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.

Enjoy me I may never pass this way again.

Enough research will tend to support your theory.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

Every man's work is a portrait of himself.

Every purchase has its price.

Everybody is ignorant only on different subjects.

Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die.

Everyone has photographic memory...some don't have film!

Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Everything in our favor was against us.

Everything that is not mandatory is forbidden.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.

I like kids but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

I like to leave messages before the beep.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like your approach now let's see your departure.

I lost a button hole today.

I may be getting older but I refuse to grow up.

I may not be perfect but parts of me are excellent.

I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

I never deny I never contradict. I sometimes forget.

I owe I owe it's off to work I go.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up.

I refuse a battle of wits with an unarmed person!

I saw I came I cleaned it up.

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

I think I strained a muscle I didn't know I had!

I think therefore I am. I think.

I think. Therefore I am DANGEROUS.

I thought I was wrong but I was mistaken.

I tried being reasonable once. I didn't like it.

I tried switching to gum but I couldn't keep it lit.

I tried to daydream but my mind kept wandering.

I used to be indecisive now I'm not so sure.

I used to be schizophrenic but we're all right now.

I used to spell badlie but now I got worser.

I used to watch TV then I bought a modem.

I was going to procrastinate but I put it off....

I wrote a few children's books but not on purpose.

I'd give my left arm to be ambidextrous.

'I'd like to live like a poor person with lots of money.

I'd love to but I'm trying to be less popular.

I'd love to but my favorite commercial is on TV.

I'd love to but none of my socks match.

I'll jump off that bridge when I come to it.

I'll tell you what's the matter! This parrot is dead!

I'm Not Schizophrenic And Neither Am I.

I'm a nobody nobody is perfect therefore I'm perfect.

I'm an absolute off-the-wall fanatical moderate.

I'm at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.

I'm dangerous when I know what I'm doing.

I'm easy to please as long as I get my way.

I'm in shape ... Rounds a shape isn't it?

I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I'm not a complete idiot - several parts are missing.

I'm not as dumb as you look.

I'm not even going to ignore that.

I'm not fat just horizontally disproportionate.

I'm not opinionated I'm just always right!

I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?

I'm not real smart but I can lift heavy things.

I'm not tense just terribly alert.

I'm on the crest of a slump.

I'm out of sick days so I'm calling in dead!

I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.

I'm spending a year dead for tax purposes.

I'm too smart to let my intelligence go to my head.

I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?

REFLECT UPON YOUR MANY BLESSINGS.. OF WHICH EVERY MAN HAS MANY... NOT ON YOUR PAST MISFORTUNES.. OF WHICH ALL MEN HAVE SOME....

THE BEST CURE FOR NATIONAL ECONOMY WOULD BE ECONOMY..

CONSENSUS MEANS THAT LOTS OF PEOPLE SAY COLLECTIVELY .... WHAT NOBODY BELIEVES INDIVIDUALLY..........

YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOUR MAKING A MEMORY.......

A MAN WHO IS ALWAYS ON THE GO OFTEN NEVER GETS THERE...

THE HARDEST HEADS BREAK THE SOONEST....

THE BAD THING ABOUT GOOD THINGS IS THAT THEY COME TO AN END.... AND THE GOOD THING ABOUT BAD THINGS IS THAT THEY ALSO END.....

WE ARE HERE TO ADD WHAT WE CAN to........ NOT TO GET WHAT WE CAN from..............LIFE.

READING IS TO THE MIND WHAT EXERCISE IS TO THE BODY...

IF YOU ARE PATIENT IN ONE MOMENT OF ANGER... YOU WILL ESCAPE A HUNDRED DAYS OF SORROW.......

THE MAN WHO KNOWS EVERYTHING HAS A LOT TO LEARN......

EVERYONE COMPLAINS OF HIS MEMORY..AND NO ONE COMPLAINS OF HIS JUDGMENT.

ONE OF THE VERY NICEST THINGS ABOUT LIFE IS THAT WE MUST REGULARLY STOP WHATEVER IT IS WE ARE DOING AND DEVOTE OUR ATTENTION TO EATING........

IT'S NOT EASY TAKING MY PROBLEMS ONE AT A TIME WHEN THEY REFUSE TO GET IN LINE.

A FRIEND IS ONE THAT MAKES ME FEEL TOTALLY ACCEPTABLE..

A SHIP SHOULD NOT RIDE ON A SINGLE ANCHOR.. NOR LIFE ON A SINGLE HOPE

SOME PEOPLE MARCH TO A DIFFERENT DRUMMER... AND SOME PEOPLE POLKA..

WHAT WE DO DURING OUR WORKING HOURS DETERMINES WHAT WE HAVE... WHAT WE DO IN OUR LEISURE HOURS DETERMINES WHAT WE ARE.......

THE REASON PEOPLE BLAME THINGS ON PREVIOUS GENERATIONS IS .... THAT THERE IS ONLY ONE OTHER CHOICE..........

THE CLASH OF IDEAS IS THE SOUND OF FREEDOM......?

LIVE EACH DAY AS IF IT WERE YOUR LAST... BECAUSE ONE OF THESE DAYS YOU WILL BE RIGHT...

IT'S NOT TRUE THAT NICE GUYS FINISH LAST..... NICE GUYS ARE WINNERS BEFORE THE GAME EVEN STARTS......

DON'T THROW AWAY THE OLD BUCKET UNTIL YOU KNOW WHETHER THE NEW ONE HOLDS WATER.

CHILDREN STAND MORE IN NEED OF EXAMPLE THAN CRITICISM...

BUREAUCRACY IS THE ART OF MAKING THE POSSIBLE IMPOSSIBLE...

NO VIRTUE CAN BE GREAT IF IT IS NOT CONSTANT....

TALK LOW...TALK SLOW....AND DON'T SAY TOO MUCH.

NOBODY EVER TOLD US THE HIGHWAY TO LIFE IS A TOLL ROAD...

WORD SOMETIMES... IN MOMENTS OF GRACE..ATTAIN THE QUALITY OF DEEDS.

ALL OF US COULD TAKE A LESSON FROM THE WEATHER..... IT PAYS NO ATTENTION TO CRITICISM.............

SOMETIMES THE LITTLEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE THE HARDEST TO TAKE.... YOU CAN SIT ON A MOUNTAIN MORE COMFORTABLY THAN A TACK......

THE PATH TO SUCCESS IS PAVED WITH GOOD INTENTIONS THAT WERE CARRIED OUT.

A SINGLE FACT WILL OFTEN SPOIL A GOOD ARGUMENT....

GRIEF CAN TAKE CARE OF ITSELF.. BUT TO GET THE FULL VALUE OF A JOY... YOU MUST HAVE SOMEONE TO DIVIDE IT WITH.....

THE TRAGEDY OF LIFE IS NOT SO MUCH WHAT MEN SUFFER..BUT RATHER WHAT THEY MISS.

IF WE WANT THINGS TO STAY AS THEY ARE...THINGS WILL HAVE TO CHANGE..

EXPERIENCE IS WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT..

A WARM SMILE IS THE UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE OF KINDNESS....

SAINTHOOD EMERGES WHEN YOU CAN LISTEN TO SOMEONE'S TALES OF WOE... AND NOT RESPOND WITH A DESCRIPTION OF YOUR OWN.....

SOME THINGS HAVE TO BE BELIEVED TO BE SEEN.... TEN THOUSAND BAD TRAITS CANNOT MAKE A SINGLE GOOD ONE ANY THE LESS GOOD..

WHEN YOU FINALLY GO BACK TO THE OLD HOMETOWN... YOU FIND IT WASN'T THE HOME YOU MISSED...BUT YOUR CHILDHOOD.

THE GOSSIP OF THE FUTURE MAY NOT BE A BACKBITING..NOSY..TOUNGE-WAGGING TWO FACE.....BUT A SUPERMEGABYTE..RANDOM ACCESS...DIGITAL INTERFACE...

WE JUDGE OURSELVES BY WHAT WE FEEL CAPABLE OF DOING..... WHILE OTHERS JUDGE US BY WHAT WE HAVE ALREADY DONE.....

LOVE QUICKENS ALL THE SENSES BUT THE COMMON.....

HE THAT HAS NO FOOLS..KNAVES OR BEGGARS IN HIS FAMILY..... WAS BEGOT BY A FLASH OF LIGHTNING........

THERE HAS NEVER BEEN AN AGE THAT DID NOT APPLAUD THE PAST ... AND LAMENT THE PRESENT..

MEASURE WEALTH NOT BY THE THINGS THAT YOU HAVE.... BUT BY THE THINGS YOU HAVE FOR WHICH YOU WOULD NOT TAKE MONEY...

MOST OF OUR SO-CALLED REASONING CONSISTS IN FINDING ARGUMENTS FOR GOING ON BELIEVING AS WE ALREADY DO............

KNOWLEDGE WILL NOT ACQUIRE YOU........YOU MUST ACQUIRE IT.

RECALL IT AS OFTEN AS YOU WISH.. A HAPPY MEMORY NEVER WEARS OUT..

In politics stupidity is not a handicap.

In the land of the witless the halfwit is king.

Is it OK to yell MOVIE' in a crowded firehouse?

Is this a machine? I don't talk to machines! [Click]

Is this the right room for an argument?

It doesn't work but it looks pretty.

It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

It really bothers me when people cut me of...

It works better if you plug it in.

It's a fine line between fishing & standing still.

It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.

It's a tough job! ..... So I'd Rather YOU do it.

It's been a business doing pleasure with you.

It's been lovely but I have to scream now.

It's best to leave quickly when you make noises like that...

It's better to burn out than to fade away.

It's easier to obtain forgiveness than permission.

It's easy to be brave from a safe distance.

It's hard to be serious when you're naked

It's lonely at the top but you eat better.

It's not hard to meet expenses they're everywhere!

It's not the bullet that kills you it's the hole.

It's not the money I want it's the stuff.

It's not the principle of the thing it's the money

It's okay to be ugly...but aren't you overdoing it?

It's smart to pick your friends but not your nose.

Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get me!

Just what part of NO didn't you understand?

Know what I hate? I hate rhetorical questions!

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Lead me not into temptation I can find it myself.

Lesser artists borrow. Great artists steal.

Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.

Let's split up we can do more damage that way.

Life - brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.

Likes and dislikes are among my favorites.

Living poor is best left to those with no money.

Locked coathanger in car. Good thing I had a key.

Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.

Love is blind marriage is the eye-opener.

M.A.D.D.: Midgets Against Desk Drawers.

Make Headlines use a corduroy pillow.

Make like a banana and split.

Make like a drum and beat it!

Make like a tree and leave.

Make somebody happy. Mind your own business.

Make up a language and ask people for directions.

Man invented language to satisfy his need to complain.

Man who get hit by car get that run down feeling

Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloon.

May I please be excused? My Brain is full.

Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.

Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.

Modem: What landscapers do to dem lawns.

Must Go - My Rotweiler needs its teeth sharpened.

My attention isn't hard to get. It IS hard to keep.

My foolish parents taught me to read and write.

My head is sore and there's a hole in the brick wall!

My inferiority complexes aren't as good as yours.

NETWORK: What fishermen do when not fishing. vNEWS! Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers.

NEWS! Survivor of siamese twins joins parents.

NO! Taco Bell is NOT the Mexican Phone Company!

Never mind the facts - I know what I know.

Never say Oops! always say Ah interesting!

No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.

Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse.

OPERATOR! Trace this call and tell me where I am.

Of all the people I've met you're certainly one of them.

Old age is better than the alternative.

On an electrician's truck: Let Us Remove Your Shorts.

One good turn gets most of the blanket.

One night I came home very late. It was the next night.

One way to better your lot is to do a lot better.

One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.

Paranoia is heightened awareness.

Pardon my driving I'm trying to reload.

People say I'm apathetic but I don't care.

Pet Store: Buy one get one flea.

Petroleum and coffee had no value a few centuries ago.

Pizza IS the four food groups!

Please Tell Me if you Don't Get This Message.

Procrastination: The art of keeping up with yesterday.

Programming is an art form that fights back.

Psychoceramics: The study of crackpots.

Red ship crashes into blue ship - sailors marooned.

Remember If you're not in bed by 10:30..... go home!

Reputation: what others are not thinking about you.

Rubber bands have snappy endings!

Shin - a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Should I weed the lawn or say it's a garden?

Sign on a clothing store - Come inside and have a fit.

Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Smile... people will wonder what you've been up to.

Smiley faces were meant to be annoying.

Smokey the Bear says Strip mining prevents forest fires!

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually.

Smoking is a leading cause of statistics.

Some days nothing goes left.

Some things have got to be believed to be seen.

Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.

Something is rotten in the state of confusion.

Speaking only for myself one of my many tricks.

Spice is the variety of life.

Standing there making a sitting target of himself.

Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.

THE GOLDEN RULE: He who has the gold makes the rules.

Tact: knowing how far to go too far.

Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.

That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.

That's inches away from being millimeter perfect.

The Lab called ..... Your brain is ready!

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

The best defense against logic is stupidity.

The best defense is to stay out of range.

GOVERNMENT CANNOT GIVE US ANYTHING WITHOUT DEPRIVING US OF SOMETHING ELSE.

NOTHING MAKES YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR DISAPPEAR FASTER.......... THAN SOMEONE ASKING WHERE IT IS..........

DO NOT LET WHAT YOU CANNOT DO INTERFERE WITH WHAT YOU CAN DO.....

DOGS LAUGH.... BUT THEY LAUGH WITH THEIR TALES...

DO NOT COMMIT THE ERROR..COMMON AMONG THE YOUNG.. OF ASSUMING THAT IF YOU CANNOT SAVE THE WHOLE OF MANKIND YOU HAVE FAILED.

IT'S DISCOURAGING TO THINK HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE SHOCKED BY HONESTY..... AND HOW FEW BY DECEIT............

JUST REMEMBER THAT WHEN YOUR OVER THE HILL..... YOU BEGIN TO PICK UP SPEED.

THE TIME TO STOP TALKING IS WHEN THE OTHER PERSON NODS THEIR HEAD.... AND SAYS NOTHING...........

WHEN A MAN SAYS MONEY CAN DO ANYTHING... THAT SETTLES IT..HE HASN'T ANY.

A SHORTCUT IS OFTEN THE QUICKEST WAY TO SOME PLACE YOU WEREN'T GOING.

THERE IS NOTHING STRONGER IN THE WORLD THAN GENTLENESS.

HIT THE BALL OVER THE FENCE AND YOU CAN TAKE YOUR TIME GOING AROUND THE BASES.

NO ONE CAN WALK BACKWARDS INTO THE FUTURE....

ELEGANCE IS GOOD TASTE PLUS A DASH OF DARING......

BE ABLE TO BE ALONE...LOSE NOT THE ADVANTAGE OF SOLITUDE... FOR EVERY PROBLEM THERE IS A SOLUTION WHICH IS SIMPLE.. NEAT.. AND WRONG.

PEOPLE OFTEN SAY THAT THIS OR THAT PERSON HAS NOT YET FOUND THEMSELVES.. BUT THE self IS NOT SOMETHING THAT ONE FINDS. IT IS SOMETHING ONE CREATES.

THERE ARE FEW THINGS WE SHOULD KEENLY DESIRE IF WE REALLY KNEW... WHAT WE WANTED......

LOVE IS WHERE THERE IS NO FEAR...FEAR IS WHERE THERE IS NO FEAR...

AN ENTREPRENEUR IS THE KIND OF PERSON WHO WILL WORK 16 HOURS A DAY... JUST TO AVOID HAVING TO WORK 8 HOURS A DAY FOR SOMEONE ELSE....

INDEED THE HEAVIEST THING IN THE WORLD IS A HEAVY HEART...

ACCURACY IS A DUTY AND NOT A VIRTUE.....

THOSE WHO BRING SUNSHINE TO THE LIVES OF OTHERS.... CANNOT KEEP IT FROM THEMSELVES.........

WHEN THE PROBLEM IS NOT SO MUCH RESISTING TEMPTATION AS FINDING IT... YOU MAY JUST BE GETTING OLDER.......

FREEDOM IS THE CEMENT THAT BINDS NATIONS TOGETHER...

THOSE WHO SAY THAT RELIGION HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH POETICS.... DON'T KNOW WHAT RELIGION MEANS............ THERE ARE TWO CLASSES OF TRAVEL...FIRST CLASS... AND WITH CHILDREN..

WHEN WE DON'T WASTE TIME....WE ALWAYS HAVE ENOUGH....

A TRUE FRIEND WILL GO RIGHT ON LIKING YOU NO MATTER HOW SUCCESSFUL EITHER OF YOU BECOME.

BELIEF IS A TRUTH HELD IN THE MIND... FAITH IS A FIRE IN THE HEART.

IF YOU LIVE LONG ENOUGH..THE VENERABILITY FACTOR CREEPS IN..FIRST..YOU GET ACCUSED OF THINGS YOU NEVER DID..LATER..CREDITED FOR VIRTUES YOU NEVER HAD. BEHOLD THE TURTLE..HE MAKES PROGRESS ONLY WHEN HE STICKS HIS NECK OUT...

LUCKY PARENTS WHO HAVE FINE CHILDREN USUALLY HAVE CHILDREN WHO HAVE FINE PARENTS............

YESTERDAY'S SCANDAL IS TODAY'S NOSTALGIA....

ALTHOUGH THE BEGINNING WRITER WANTS TO WRITE OF GREAT THINGS..IT IS THE GREAT TREATMENT OF SMALL THINGS THAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT...

A HOUSE IS MADE OF WALLS AND BEAMS..A HOME IS BUILT WITH LOVE AND DREAMS..

I'M NOT YOUNG ENOUGH TO KNOW EVERYTHING.....

AH..BUT A MAN'S REACH SHOULD EXCEED HIS GRASP..OR WHAT'S A HEAVEN FOR.

THOSE PROUD OF KEEPING AN ORDERLY DESK NEVER KNOW THE THRILL OF FINDING SOMETHING YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD IRRETRIEVABLY LOST...

TODAY A GIRL'S GOTTA STAY ON HER TOES TO AVOID THE HEELS.

OLD BUILDINGS ARE LIKE FRIENDS.. THEY REASSURE PEOPLE IN TIMES OF CHANGE..

REACHING HIGH KEEPS A MAN ON HIS TOES...

AUTUMN IS WHEN LEAVES TURN FROM GREEN TO BROWN TO GOLD TO LITTER..

WHAT IS FORGIVEN IS USUALLY WELL REMEMBERED..............

THE PROBLEM WITH LOOKING FOR THE PERFECT WOMAN IS THAT SHE IS PROBABLY LOOKING FOR THE PERFECT MAN.......

MOST PARENTS LIKE THEIR KIDS TO HAVE WHAT THEY DIDN'T HAVE.... LIKE STRAIGHT A's IN SCHOOL.........

NOSTALGIA IS LIKE A GRAMMAR LESSON... YOU FIND THE PRESENT TENSE... AND THE PAST PERFECT..............

THE ABILITY TO LAUGH TOGETHER IS THE ESSENCE OF LOVE....

ABOUT THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO ON A SHOESTRING THESE DAYS...... IS TRIP.........

A SMILE IS AN INEXPENSIVE WAY TO IMPROVE YOUR LOOKS....

The pen is mightier than the pencil.

The penalty for bigamy is having two mothers-in-law.

The pendulum has gone full circle.

The rich get richer; the poor get babies.

The road to success is always under construction.

The score didn't really reflect the outcome.

The simple explanation always follows the complex solution.

The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.

The weather is here wish you were beautiful.

The whole world is about three drinks behind.

The worst thing about censorship is **************************.

The young know the rules the old know the exceptions.

There are 2 ways to handle women and I know neither.

There is always a way and it usually doesn't work.

There is an exception to every rule except this one.

There is no dark side of the moon. Really.

There is no remedy for fun but more fun!

There is something to be said about me: Wow!!

There will be no last bus tonight.

There's no such thing as a free lunch but you can always find someone willing to treat.

They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!

Think hard now! Which one is Shinola?

This program makes me look like a genius.

This line was created from many little letters.

Three can keep a secret if two are dead.

Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.

Tis better to have loved a short than to never have loved a tall.

To err is human. To really screw up it takes a computer.

To err is human. To blame someone else is politics.

To every rule there is an exception and vice versa.

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Too much is never enough.

Too much month at the end of the money.

Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.

Toys are made in heaven batteries are made in hell.

Trespassers will be shot survivors will be shot again!

Tried to play my shoehorn... all I got was footnotes!

Truth is just another misconception.

Tubby or not tubby fat is the question!

Turn right here. No! No! The OTHER right!

Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right But Three Lefts Do.

Tire Shop sign - We Skid You Not.

Unnamed Law: If it happens it must be possible.

Uh yeah...I MEANT to do that!

Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa bill.

Users losers -- what's the difference?

Using yesterday's technology to solve today's problems tomorrow.

WARNING ... drinking tap water can kill your thirst!

WYGIWYD -What you got is what you deserved.

WYTYSYDG-What you thought you saw you didn't get.

Want a stupid answer? Ask me anything!

War News: Saddam's army blown away by Thai hookers.

Warning: Politicians can damage your wealth.

Was today really Necessary?

Wash your face in the morning neck at night.

Wasting time is an important part of living.

We are the people our parents warned us about

We have here the latest in primitive technology.

We should limit congressmen to two terms: one in Congress one in prison.

We take drugs very seriously at my house.

We were unanimous - in fact everyone was unanimous.

We're lost but we're making good time.

We're staying together for the sake of the cats.

Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray.

What do batteries run on?

What does ignorant mean?

What does this red button do?

What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.

What goes up has probably been doused with petrol.

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pitbull.

What's Irish and stays out all night? Paddy O'Furniture.

When in doubt think.

Where does weight go when you lose it?

Why are Chinese fortune cookies written in English?

Why do they tell us to watch The Today Show tomorrow?

Why do we elect people and then become afraid of them?

Why do we read left to right yet turn pages right to left?

Why does it matter if we all put our pants on one leg at a time?

Why is abbreviated such a long word?

Will the sound of one hand clapping still turn off my TV?

Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.

Without Time everything would happen at once.

Women - can't live with 'em and no resale value.

Women do come with instructions; ask them.

Women get minks the same way minks get minks.

Work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.

Worry : The interest paid on trouble before it's due.

You can't have everything...where would you put it?

You've got to be trusted by the people that you lie to.

Youth is a gift of nature. Age is a work of art.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Last week I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

When I was a kid we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child...eventually.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop

looks at it moving it nearer & farther trying to see it clearly. and says Here you can go.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Did you hear about the cannibal who came home late for dinner and his wife gave him a cold shoulder?

A bratwerst walks into a bar and the barman says sorry we dont serve food in here.

I have bad luck with doctors. The last one I went to wrote me a prescription. It was for cigarettes!

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said Yes but not right now.

The other day when I was walking through the woods I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said Wish you were here.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

I used to live for sex Now I'd die for some

'I MUST DO SOMETHING'...WILL ALWAYS SOLVE MORE PROBLEMS THAN..... 'SOMETHING MUST BE DONE'............

THE GREATEST OF FAULTS IS TO BE CONSCIOUS OF NONE....

YOU KNOW YOUR GETTING OLD WHEN THE CANDLES COST MORE THAN THE CAKE...

A RELATIONSHIP DOESN'T WORK FOR YOU... YOU HAVE TO WORK FOR THE RELATIONSHIP.

MY BOSS SAYS I'M AN UNDERACHIEVER...THE PROBLEM IS HE'S AN OVEREXPECTER...

MY EXPECTATION IS THAT THE SKY WILL FALL.. MY FAITH IS THAT THERE IS ANOTHER SKY BEHIND IT...

NOTHING INCREASES YOUR GOLF SCORE LIKE WITNESSES...

OUR WORLD IS NOT MEASURED BY DISTANCE FROM HORIZON TO HORIZON............ BUT BY THE EXTENT OF OUR UNDERSTANDING.....

THE QUICKEST WAY FOR A PARENT TO GET A CHILD'S ATTENTION.... IS TO SIT DOWN AND LOOK COMFORTABLE..............

A BIG DISAPPOINTMENT IN LIFE IS TO DISCOVER THAT THE MAN WHO WRITES THE FINANCE COMPANY ADS ISN'T THE ONE WHO MAKES THE LOANS............

LOVE..LIKE ICE CREAM.. IS A BEAUTIFUL THING..BUT NOBODY SHOULD REGARD IT AS ADEQUATE PROVISION FOR A LONG AND ADVENTUROUS JOURNEY............

JUSTICE WITHOUT FORCE IS IMPOTENT....FORCE WITHOUT JUSTICE IS TYRANNY..

WE CAN'T PROCRASTINATE ON WATER POLLUTION....SLIME WAITS FOR NO MAN...

NOTHING GREAT WAS EVER ACHIEVED WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM....

THOUGH THE HUMAN TONGUE WEIGHS PRACTICALLY NOTHING..... IT IS SURPRISING HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE ABLE TO HOLD IT....

ITS NOT TRUE THAT LIFE IS ONE DAMN THING AFTER ANOTHER... ITS ONE DAMN THING OVER AND OVER........

THIS WORLD IS A COMEDY TO THOSE THAT THINK.. A TRAGEDY TO THOSE THAT FEEL...

LIFE HAS A WAY OF BALANCING OUT.. WE SPLIT THE ATOM.. AND NOW THE ATOM IS SPLITTING US................

YOU DON'T NECESSARILY HAVE TO BE PLAYING WITH A FULL DECK.... A ROYAL FLUSH WILL WIN ANYTIME..........

ITS NOT SUCH A SHAME THAT WE HAVE TO DIE.... IT IS A SHAME IF WE DIE WHILE WE ARE STILL LIVING.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE PLAYING WITH A FULL DECK.... FOUR ACES WILL WIN ALMOST ANYTIME.....

IN MY FRIEND..... I FIND A SECOND SELF....

IT DOESN'T HURT TO BE OPTIMISTIC...YOU CAN ALWAYS CRY LATER.

REAL CHARITY DOESN'T CARE IF IT IS TAX DEDUCTIBLE OR NOT.. THEY HAVE RIGHTS WHO DARE DEFEND THEM......

The best way to win an argument is to be right.

The buck doesn't even slow down here!

The cause of problems are solutions!

The cost of feathers has risen... Now even DOWN is up!

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

The cream rises to the top. So does the scum.

The days of the digital watch are numbered.

The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.

The fish that escaped is the big one.

The further I go the behinder I get.

The future isn't what it used to be.

The hangman let us down.

The meek shall inherit the earth if that's OK with you.

The only thing shorter than a weekend is a vacation.

If civilization has risen from the stone age...... it can rise again from the Wastepaper age.........

Never appeal to a man's better nature. he might not have one.

The nice thing about standards is, there are so many to choose from.

No man knows what true happiness is until they get married................................... By then, of course, its too late.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you are in the bathroom.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

The philosophy exam was a piece of cake - which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

When all is said and done, more is said than done.

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

Work 8 hours, sleep 8 hours; but not the same 8 hours.

You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

If only se stopped trying to be happy.. we could have a pretty good time.

POISE is that quality which enables you to buy a pair of shoes... without seeming conscious of the hole in your stocking.....

When economics gets important enough... It becomes political.

? I like the silent church before the service begins better than any preaching.

A secret is what you tell someone else not to tell because you can't keep it yourself.........

Death and taxes may always be with us .. but at least death doesn't get any worse.................

Show me a man with head held up high...and I'll show you a man .... who can't get used to his bifocals.....

No matter what happens....there's always somebody who knew it would.

Every man regards his own life as the New Year's Eve of time.......

Knowledge is learned by learning..trust by doubt..skill by practice.... and love by love.

The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words..... when one will do.

A certain amount of opposition is a great help to a man...kites rise against.. not with the wind......

In a mere half century...movies have gone from silent to unspeakable...

The pleasure we derive from doing favours is partly in the feeling it gives us that we are not altogether worthless.........

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other.....perhaps they should live next store and just visit now and then.

The work will teach you how to do it......

In general..mankind..since the improvement of cookery.. eats twice as much as nature requires.......

Let the other fellow find out who you are....He'll remember it longer.

Be happy.......it is a way of being wise.

A gentleman is a man who uses a butter knife while dining alone...

The art of medicine consists of keeping the patient in a good mood... while nature does the heeling.

At 18 our convictions are hills from which we look....at 45 they are caves in which we hide......

The goal in marriage is not to think alike..... but to think together.

Today's youngsters are precious.. they start going steady with the opposite sex.......as soon as they learn there is one.

I have never met a man who has given me as much trouble as myself...

The fellow who leans on his family tree never seems to get out of the woods..

Our dilemma is that we hate change and love it at the same time... what we really want is for things to remain the same but get better....

Most of the shadows in this life are caused by us standing in our own sunshine.

The problem with competition is that it brings out the best in products ..... and the worst in men.

Anxiety in human life is what squeaking and grinding are in machinery not oiled... in life trust is the oil......

Everybody wants to eat at the governments table .... but nobody wants to do the dishes......

How often are we offended by not being offered something we do not really want............

It's too bad I'm not as wonderful a person as people say I am, ,,,, , , , , , because the world could use a few people like that.

The more I know about men the more I like dogs.

I don't know exactly what democracy is. But we need more of it.

I think one of the reasons I'm popular again is because I'm wearing a tie........................ You have to be different.

I married the first man I ever kissed. .................................................. When I tell this to my children they just about throw up..........

I'm like old wine. They don't bring me out very often, but I'm well preserved.

People say New Yorkers can't get along.............................. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab......................................... One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.......

It's true that I did get the girl, but then my grandfather always said, .........................Even a blind chicken finds a few grains of corn now and then.

It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool.

THE FRAGRANCE ALWAYS STAYS IN THE HAND THAT GIVES THE ROSE....

A MAN MUST HAVE HIS DREAMS..MEMORY'S DREAMS OF THE PAST AND EAGER DREAMS OF THE FUTURE. I NEVER WANT TO STOP REACHING FOR NEW GOALS.

ANYTHING WILL GIVE UP IT'S SECRETS IF YOU LOVE IT ENOUGH.. IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE LAST MINUTE...A LOT OF THINGS WOULDN'T GET DONE...

VIOLENCE SUITS THOSE WHO HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE.....

BLESSED IS THE MAN WHO..HAVING NOTHING TO SAY..ABSTAINS FROM GIVING IN WORDS EVIDENCE OF THE FACT............

FAME USUALLY COMES TO THOSE WHO ARE THINKING OF SOMETHING ELSE.

ONE IS NEVER AS FORTUNATE OR AS UNFORTUNATE AS ONE IMAGINES.....

THE MOST WASTED DAY OF ALL IS THAT IN WHICH WE HAVE NOT LAUGHED...

THE ART OF TAXATION CONSISTS IN SO PLUCKING THE GOOSE AS TO OBTAIN THE LARGEST AMOUNT OF FEATHERS WITH THE LEAST POSSIBLE AMOUNT OF HISSING...

MANY PEOPLE LOSE THEIR TEMPERS MERELY FROM SEEING YOU KEEP YOURS....

THE PERSON WHO SAYS HE HAS NOTHING TO DO IS USUALLY SUPERB AT THE JOB...

IT TAKES A LOT OF THOUGHT AND EFFORT AND DOWNRIGHT DETERMINATION TO BE AGREEABLE......

LIFE IS FOR ONE GENERATION... A GOOD NAME IS FOREVER..

BLESSED IS THE MAN WHO PRACTICES RELIGION..... AND DOES NOT DIVULGE HIS BELIEFS..................BA

WE CAN ALL LEARN SOMETHING FROM THE PARROT.. WHICH IS CONTENT TO REPEAT WHAT IT HEARS WITHOUT TRYING TO MAKE A GOOD STORY OUT OF IT............

SOMEONE WHO THINKS THE WORLD IS CHEATING HIM IS RIGHT... HE IS MISSING THAT WONDERFUL FEELING OF TRUST IN SOMEONE OR SOMETHING..............

CHILDREN'S TALENT TO ENDURE COMES FROM THEIR IGNORANCE OF ALTERNATIVES..

SOMETIMES A MAJORITY SIMPLY MEANS THAT ALL THE FOOLS ARE ON THE SAME SIDE.

THE DIFFICULT PART IN AN ARGUMENT IS NOT TO DEFEND ONE'S OPINION........BUT RATHER TO KNOW IT.

PARENTS NEVER FULLY APPRECIATE TEACHERS UNLESS IT RAINS ALL WEEKEND.

MIRACLES SOMETIMES OCCUR.. BUT ONE HAS TO WORK TERRIBLY HARD FOR THEM.

KISSING IS A MEANS OF GETTING TWO PEOPLE SO CLOSE TOGETHER THAT... THEY CANNOT SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH EACH OTHER.....

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Anywhere is walking distance, if you've got the time.

If you want to feel rich, just count all of the things you have that money can't buy.

Knowledge becomes wisdom only after it has been put to practical use.

Time invested in improving ourselves cuts down on time wasted in disapproving of others.

Crises bring out the best in the best of us, and the worst in the worst of us.

Time spent in getting even would be better spent in getting ahead.

Think highly of yourself, for the world takes you at your own estimate.

In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities.

The man who never alters his opinions is like standing water, and breeds reptiles of the mind.

Basic research is what I am doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.

The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.

When you get a thing the way you want it, leave it alone.

We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.

He that thinks himself the wisest is generally the least so.

Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.

A man who does not plan long ahead will find trouble right at his door.

He who asks a question may be a fool for five minutes. But he who never asks a question remains a fool forever.

Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence and determination.

Desperation is sometimes as powerful an inspirer as genius.

Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.

Life is a succession of lessons, which must be lived to be understood.

Skill to do comes of doing.

What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us.

To fill the hour-that is happiness.

You get the best out of others when you give the best of yourself.

A great obstacle to happiness is to expect too much happiness.

There is no man living that can not do more than he thinks he can.

You cannot build a reputation on what you are going to do.

If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.

Anger is never without a reason but seldom a good one.

An investment in knowledge pays the best interest.

He that will not sail till all dangers are over must never put to sea.

There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it's going to be a butterfly.

You cannot teach a man anything' you can only help him to find it for himself.

The greatness of a nation can be judged by the way its animals are treated.

The optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious to the rose.

No one can be right all of the time, but it helps to be right most of the time.

The greatest truths are the simplest.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Experience is a good school but the fees are high.

If you must speak ill of another, do not speak it . . . write it in the sand near the water's edge.

Happiness is not a destination. It is a method of life.

As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round.

Old age is fifteen years older than I am.

Never explain. Your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway.

One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man.

A man is not paid for having a head and hands, but for using them.

Responsibilities gravitate to the person who can shoulder them.

He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away.

Anger blows out the lamp of the mind.

Books, like friends, should be few and well chosen.

The world steps aside to let any man pass if he knows where he is going.

Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.

Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.

What you do when you don't have to, determines what you will be when you can no longer help it.

Great Opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us every day.

If the creator had a purpose in equipping us with a neck he surely meant us to stick it out.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.

If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend six sharpening my ax.

Research serves to make building stones out of stumbling blocks.

Mishaps are like knives, that either serve us or cut us, as we grasp them by the blade or the handle.

Earth and sky, woods and fields, lakes and rivers, the mountain and the sea, are excellent schoolmasters, and teach some of us more than we can ever learn from books.

What we see depends mainly on what we look for.

Nobody's ever insulted to be invited.

There is no security on earth; there is only opportunity.

Risk! Risk Anything! Care no more for the opinion of others, for those other voices. Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth.

Our destiny changes with our thought; we shall become what we wish to become, do what we wish to do, when our habitual thought corresponds with our desire.

Wisdom is knowledge which has become a part of one's being.

We cannot live only for ourselves. A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men; and among those fibers, as sympathetic threads, our actions run as courses, and they come back to us as effects.

Home is not where you live, but where they understand you.

What you have in your mind, your talents, your native abilities, no one can take from you. When you die you take them with you.Use them diligently while you are here.

Do not confuse motion and progress. A rocking horse keeps moving but does not make any progress.

Animals are reliable, many full of love, true in their affections, predictable in their actions, grateful and loyal. Difficult standards for people to live up to.

The only calendar I need is just outside my window. With eyes to see and ears to hear, nature keeps me posted.

No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched.

In music the passions enjoy themselves.

The policy of being too cautious is the greatest risk of all.

Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy.

Happiness is the harvest of a quiet eye.

The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet.

We must learn our limits. We are all something, but none of us are everything.

Remember that life is not measured in hours but in accomplishments.

The best way to have a good idea is to have lots of ideas.

You can accomplish much if you don't care who gets the credit.

The greatest of all gifts is the power to estimate things at their true worth.

I can remember way back when a liberal was one who was generous with his money.

Live your life so that whenever you lose, you are ahead.

There was never an angry man that thought his anger unjust.

The successful man is the one who finds out what is the matter with his business before his competitors do. Wisdom is the supreme part of happiness. A short saying often contains much wisdom. We are all travelers in the wilderness of this world and the best we can find in our travels is an honest friend. There is so much good in the worst of us, an so much bad in the best of us, that it behooves all of us not to talk about the rest of us. I know what pleasure is, for I have done good work. Argument is the worst sort of conversation. Beware the fury of a patient man. You should hammer your iron when it is glowing hot. To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose, the next best. When I hear music, I fear no danger. I am invulnerable. I see no foe. I am related to the earliest times, and to the latest.

If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.

Nature will bear the closest inspection. She invites us to lay our eye level with her smallest leaf, and take an insect view of its plain.

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.

Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

Work and play are words used to describe the same thing under differing conditions.

It is discouraging to try and penetrate a mind like yours. You ought to get it out and dance on it. That would take some of the rigidity out of it.

Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers.

Associate with men of good quality, if you esteem your own reputation; it is better to be alone than in bad company.

The ability to ask the right question is more than half the battle of finding the answer.

It matters not how many fish are in the sea . . . if you don't have any bait on your hook.

We grow a little every time we do not take advantage of somebody's weakness.

Ability is a poor man's wealth.

Business is like riding a bicycle. Either you keep moving or you fall down.

All dreams come true with the courage to pursue.

We are here for each other.

Friends make our world.

We all smile in the same language.

Every once in a while, take the road less traveled.

Take a day for yourself.

Never give up. Miracles happen every day.

I'm havin' so many near misses they must be mistresses.

Ohio is the sound of an Indian yawning.

You're here to have fun whether you like it or not.

Actions speak louder than words

All for one and one for all

Mind your p's and q's

Necessity is the mother of invention

One picture is worth a thousand words

A place for everything and everything in its place

Practice makes perfect

Practice what you preach

The proof of the pudding is in the eating

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

A rolling stone gathers no moss

Rome wasn't built in a day

Seeing is believing

A stitch in time saves nine

Strike while the iron is hot

There's more than one way to skin a cat

There's no place like home

Time heals all wounds

Truth is stranger than fiction

Two heads are better than one

Two wrongs don't make a right

Waste not, want not

A watched pot never boils

Well begun is half done

When in Rome, do as the Romans do

Where there's a will, there's a way

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

You can't teach an old dog new tricks

You get what you pay for.

You have to break a few eggs to make an omelet.

You have to take the good with the bad.

It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.

If thine enemy offend thee, give his child a drum.

Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

American is a very difficult language mixed with English.

If you don't have time to do it right you must have time to do it over.

No opera plot can be sensible, for in sensible situations people do not sing.

Don't try to make children grow up to be like you, or they may do it.

You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.

Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road.They get run over.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Destiny. A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure.

Christian: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbors.

When a young man begins to go down hill everything seems to be greased for the occasion.

I have only one ambition left: I should like to have a good epitaph.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. vNature gives you the face you have at twenty. Life shapes the face you have at thirty. But at fifty you get the face you deserve.

Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it.

Men occasionally stumble on the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

A cynic is just a man who found out when he was about ten that there wasn't any Santa Claus, and he's still upset.

Never vote for the best candidate, vote for the one who will do the least harm.

History repeats itself. That's one of the things wrong with history.

Someday I hope to write a book where the royalties will pay for the copies I give away.

I am a friend of the workingman, I would rather be his friend than be one.

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.

When Solomon said that there was a time and a place for everything he had not encountered the problem of parking an automobile.

Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.

The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.

Men are what their mothers made them.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't.

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it rains.

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up and does not stop until you get into the office.

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, sings.

You know you're getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

Pro football is like nuclear warfare. There are no winners, only survivors.

Know thyself? If I knew myself, I'd run away.

If a man writes a book, let him set down only what he knows. I have guesses enough of my own.

I always get the better when I argue alone.

Men heap together the mistakes of their lives, and create a monster they call Destiny.

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

Middle Age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

None of us can boast about the morality of our ancestors. The records do not show that Adam and Eve were married.

No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves.

If you don't advertise yourself you will be advertised by your loving enemies.

You can lead a boy to college but you can't make him think.

A pessimist is one who has been intimately acquainted with an optimist.

Some people pay a compliment as if they expected a receipt.

Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.

It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.

Children are a great comfort in your old age -- and they help you reach it faster, too.

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge where there is no river.

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.

I distrust camels and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

If you drink like a fish, don't drive. Swim.

It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.

Of course there's a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors don't take much away, so knowledge sort of accumulates....

Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Middle age is the time when a man is always thinking in a week or two he will feel as good as ever.

The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Outside of a dog, a book is your best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing whatsoever to do with it.

'Tis more blessed to give than to receive; for example, wedding presents.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to?

Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.

A careful driver is one who honks his horn when he goes through a red light.

A man generally has two reasons for doing a thing. One that sounds good, and a real one.

The world is divided into people who do things--and people who get the credit.

A conservative is a man who wants the rules changed so no one can make a pile the way he did.

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.

The secret of a successful restaurant is sharp knives.

The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears it is true.

There's a helluva distance between wisecracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.

What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.

Old men are fond of giving advice to console themselves for being no longer in a position to give bad Examples.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

An autobiography is the story of how a man thinks he lived.

The tendency of an event to occur varies inversely with one's preparation for it.

I never thought much of the courage of a lion-tamer. Inside the cage he is at least safe from people.

He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.

Do you know what a pessimist is? A man who thinks everybody as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

There's nothing wrong with the average person that a good psychiatrist can't exaggerate.

In America, anyone can become president. That's one of the risks you take.

Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.

Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.

With sixty staring me in the face, I have developed inflammation of the sentence structure and definite hardening of the paragraphs.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat.

I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a man and a dog.

Be Yourself- is about the worst advice you can give to people.

Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she has laid an asteroid.

Let us be thankful for fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.

One is never more on trial than in the moment of excessive good fortune.

I have never loved another person the way I loved myself. - Mae West

Don't give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening.

Bad artists always admire each other's work.

Ah! Don't say that you agree with me. When People agree with me I always feel that I must be wrong.

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

All sunshine makes the desert.

Ask about your neighbors, then buy the house.

Avoid the evil, and it will avoid thee.

The beginning is the half of every action.

Be happy while you're living, For you're a long time dead.

Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still.

Be on your guard against a silent dog and still water.

Be slow in choosing a friend, but slower in changing him.

The best armor is to keep out of range.

Be thine enemy an ant, see in him an elephant..

Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness

By asking for the impossible, obtain the best possible.

Children are a poor man's wealth.

A closed mind is like a closed book; just a block of wood

Confessed faults are half mended.

Deceive the rich and powerful if you will, but don't insult them.

The dog wags his tail, not for you, but for your bread.

Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you will be like him yourself.

Do not be in a hurry to tie what you cannot untie.

Do not lengthen the quarrel while there is an opportunity of escaping.

Do not protect yourself by a fence, but rather by your friends.

Do not wrong or hate your neighbor for it is not he that you wrong but yourself.

Don't be too sweet lest you be eaten up; don't be too bitter lest you be spewed out.

Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork.

Don't let your sorrow come higher than your knees.

Don't open a shop unless you know how to smile.

Don't run too far, you will have to return the same distance.

Don't speak unless you can improve on the silence.

Don't stay long when the husband is not at home.

Don't think there are no crocodiles because the water is calm.

Don't throw away the old bucket until you know whether the new one holds water.

Drink nothing without seeing it; Sign nothing without reading it.

Dwell not upon thy weariness, thy strength shall be according to the measure of thy desire.

Employ thy time well if thou meanest to get leisure.

Enjoy yourself. It's later than you think.

Even a clock that does not work is right twice a day.

Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue.

Everyone thinks his own burden heavy.

Examine what is said, not him who speaks.

Fall seven times, stand up eight.

Fear less, hope more, eat less, chew more, whine less, breathe more, talk less, say more, hate less, love more, and all good things will be yours.

First secure an independent income, then practice virtue.

Fish or cut bait.

A fool finds pleasure in evil conduct, but a man of understanding delights in wisdom.

A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions.

A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control

A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.

Forget injuries, never forget kindness.

A full cup must be carried steadily.

Get what you can and keep what you have; that's the way to get rich.

Give to a pig when it grunts and a child when it cries , and you will have a fine pig and a bad child.

Good fences make good neighbors.

Go often to the house of a friend; for weeds soon choke up the unused path.

The hammer shatters glass but forges steel.

Happiness is like a sunbeam, which the least shadow intercepts, while adversity is often as the rain of spring.

He fishes well who uses a golden hook.

He is rich who owes nothing.

He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.

He who doesn't risk never gets to drink champagne.

He who has health has hope; and he who has hope, has everything.

He who puts up with insult invites injury.

He who undertakes too much seldom succeeds.

He who would leap far must first take a long run.

Hide not your talents, they for use were made. What's a sundial in the shade?

If Jack's in love, he's no judge of Jill's beauty.

If work were good for you, the rich would leave none for the poor.

If you are patient in a moment of anger, you will escape a hindered days of sorrow.

If you can't lick 'em, join 'em.

If you must play, decide on three things at the start: the rules of he game, the stakes, and the quitting time.

If you reveal your secrets to the wind you should not blame the wind for revealing them to the trees.

If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies in yourself.

If you scatter thorns, don't go barefoot.

If you see in your wine the reflection of a person not in your range of vision, don't drink it.

If you want to be respected, you must respect yourself.

If you want your dreams to come true, don't sleep.

If you want your eggs hatched, sit on them yourself.

If you would be wealthy, think of saving as well as getting.

If you suspect a man, don't employ him, and if you employ him, don't suspect him.

In times of prosperity friends will be plenty, in times of adversity not one in twenty.

In the morning be first up, and in the evening last to go to bed, for they that sleep catch no fish.

It is easier to pull down than to build up.

It is not enough to aim.; you must hit.

It is the part of a good shepherd to shear his flock, not to skin it.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

(Love makes time pass. Time makes love pass.)

A lean agreement is better than a fat lawsuit.

Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.

Let him make use of instinct who cannot make use of reason.

Life is not separate from death. It only looks that way.

Listen to all, plucking a feather from every passing goose, but, follow no one absolutely.

Live together like brothers and do business like strangers.

Live your own life, for you will die your own death.

Look for the good, not the evil, in the conduct of members of the family.

Love rules without rules.

Love your neighbor, but don't tear down your fence.

The loveliest of faces are to be seen by moonlight, when one sees half with the eye and half with the fancy.

Make happy those who are near, and those who are far will come.

Make sure to be in with your equals if you're going to fall out with your superiors.

A man's first care should be to avoid the reproaches of his own heart, his next to escape the censures of the world.

Many men know how to flatter, few men know how to praise.

Measure a thousand times and cut once.

Never advise anyone to go to war or to marry.

Never do anything standing that you can do sitting, or anything sitting that you can do lying down.

Never fall out with your bread and butter.

Never give advice unless asked.

Never rely on the glory of the morning or the smiles of your mother-in-law.

Never squat with your spurs on.

Never trust the man who tells you all his troubles but keeps from you all his joys.

Never write a letter while you are angry.

Never trouble trouble till trouble troubles you.

No one is rich enough to do without a neighbor.

Observe your enemies, for they first find your faults.

One does evil enough when one does nothing good.

One drink is just right; two is too many; three are too few.

One meets his destiny often in the road he takes to avoid it.

One should be just as careful in choosing one's pleasures as in avoiding calamities.

Pray, pray very much; but beware of telling God what you want.

Ready money works great cures.

The reverse side also has a reverse side.

A rich man has no need of character.

Scratch my back and I'll scratch yours.

Set a thief to catch a thief.

Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow.

Since the house is on fire let us warm ourselves.

Since we cannot get what we like, let us like what we can get.

A single conversation with a wise man is better than ten years of study.

The sinning is the best part of repentance.

Speak of the devil and he appears.

Spread the table and contention will cease.

Tell me and I'll forget. Show me, and I may not remember. Involve me, and I'll understand.

Tell me who's your friend and I'll tell you who you are.

There is a pinch of the madman in every great man.

There is no pillow so soft as a clear conscience.

Those who have free seats at a play hiss first.

Those who sleep with dogs will rise with fleas.

Three things it is best to avoid: a strange dog, a flood, and a man who thinks he is wise.

To change and change for the better are two different things.

To deceive a diplomat speak the truth, he has no experience with it.

To know the road ahead, ask those coming back.

A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense.

Under a tattered cloak you will generally find a good drinker.

Use soft words and hard arguments.

Use your enemy's hand to catch a snake.

Vision without action is a daydream. Action with without vision is a nightmare.

Wait until it is night before saying that it has been a fine day.

Walk till the blood appears on the cheek, but not the sweat on the brow.

We know the worth of a thing when we have lost it.

What may be done at any time will be done at no time.

What the people believe is true.

What was hard to endure is sweet to recall.

What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.

When anger rises, think of the consequences.

When eating bamboo sprouts, remember the man who planted them.

When the fox preaches, look to the geese.

When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.

When two quarrel, both are to blame.

When we cannot get what we love, we must love what is within our reach.

When you go to buy, use your eyes, not your ears.

When you have no choice, mobilize the spirit of courage.

When you have only two pennies left in the world, buy a loaf of bread with one, and a lily with the other.

When you throw dirt, you lose ground.

When you want to test the depths of a stream, don't use both feet.

Where God has his church the Devil will have his chapel.

Where there is a sea there are pirates.

Where there is love, there is pain.

Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart.

Who depends on another man's table often dines late.

Whoever gossips to you will gossip about you.

The wise man has long ears and a short tongue.

Words must be weighed, not counted.

You may laugh at a friend's roof; don't laugh at his sleeping accommodation.

Your friend has a friend; don't tell him.

You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep.

You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was.

Experience is often what you get when you were expecting something else.

Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.

I refuse to admit that I am more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate.

What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork.

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. Shirley Temple Black, actress, singer, and US ambassador

To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.

Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless.

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that is the stuff life is made of.

Life's Tragedy is that we get old to soon and wise too late.

Yesterday is but today's memory, and tomorrow is today's dream.

Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do.

Men heap together the mistakes of their lives, and create a monster they call Destiny.

I am more afraid of alcohol than of all the bullets of the enemy.

I can't drink a little, therefore I never touch it. Abstinance is as easy for me as temperance would be difficult.

My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there.

There is a woman at the beginning of all great things.

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.

Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible.

Life is what happens while you are making other plans.

When you choose the lesser of two evils, always remember that it is still an evil.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.

An unfortunate thing about this world is that the good habits are much easier to give up than the bad ones.

Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.

It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation.

One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.

It is my ambition to say in ten sentences what others say in a whole book.

Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do, and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.

Never let the fear of striking out get in your way.

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.

They are never alone who are accompanied by noble thoughts.

Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten.

Pay quickly what thou owest. The needy tradesman is made glad by such considerate haste.

Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.